Love Chaos Read online

  She laughed. “It’s not all that exciting, really. All I see is airports, photo studios and my hotel room. If it didn’t pay so well, I’d have given this all up a long time ago.”

  “Oh.”

  “My mom lives on a tiny pension,” she continued. “My job allows me to support her a little, so she can make ends meet.” She stared at the wall. “I come from a small town on Lake Brombach, and I still have my old room there, but I spend most of my time here at Toby’s when I’m in town anyway. I don’t need anything of my own.”

  “I think it’s great that you’re helping your mom out.”

  “My sister’s a lawyer in Berlin, and she only graces us with her presence twice a year when she takes our mom on a spa vacation and leaves again.”

  I swallowed. “That’s a shame. My mom died when I was little. I really wish I could still spend time with her.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that.” She patted my arm sympathetically. “My dad left us when I was fourteen.”

  “Shit.”

  She nodded and gave a lopsided smile.

  “I’m looking forward to Toby finishing his degree in August. Then we can finally get a place of our own, maybe even somewhere abroad. Our own apartment, with no Ben in it.”

  “You don’t like Ben?” I looked at her closely. “Why?”

  Ellen snorted contemptuously. “He’s just so distant and aloof. For him, girls are just disposable objects, to use once and throw away when he’s done with them. Like an empty yogurt cup.”

  I stared at her in surprise. Ben was a bit full of himself and a little macho, but I never would have thought he was that bad.

  She leaned over. “He never sees the same girl twice, you know. He never gives a woman his number or asks for hers. And there’s one other thing he never does.” She paused to fix her hair, while I waited for the bomb to drop. “He never kisses a woman on the mouth.”

  For real? I’d never heard anything like that before. He never kissed a woman on the mouth? “Why not?”

  Ellen shrugged. “No idea. Probably to let them know how little they mean to him. To Ben, all women are completely interchangeable.”

  “You shouldn’t judge him so harshly,” Toby said from behind us in the doorframe. “He must have his reasons. Ben’s a good guy, I’ve lived with him for three years, and I should know. The women know what they’re getting into with him. He never makes a secret of it. No one’s forcing them.”

  “Yeah, right,” Ellen sneered. “What a woman says and what she really feels are two very different things, but you guys just don’t understand the difference.”

  Toby spread his hands. “What do you care anyway?”

  In a split second, Ellen’s face changed, becoming soft and sensual. With swaying hips, she walked towards Toby and put her arms around his neck. “I don’t care,” she said, kissing him like that blonde Bond bombshell in Goldfinger.

  I went back to my room. Ben’s love life was certainly none of my business, and I felt no desire to invade his privacy. I also thought that Ellen had acted a bit odd. Looking at the time, I was startled. Ten already. My father would soon be logging onto Skype in Atlanta. I wondered what he had to tell me.

  * * *

  I pulled up Skype, and my father was already online. I shook my head as I looked at his tousled gray hair, which stood out on all sides and was starting to thin in the front.

  “Hey, bro, what’s up?” I teased him, knowing he still wasn’t fluent in American slang.

  “What?” he asked, leaning closer to the screen. “There’s something wrong with the line, all I hear is gibberish.”

  “I asked how you were, Dad.”

  “I’m fine. And you, darling? How’s Ringo?”

  “Ringo and I aren’t together anymore,” I declared curtly, “but tell me, what’s new with you?” I was hoping he’d fall for my little diversion. Sometimes he could ask very nosy questions.

  “What happened? Where are you living now that you’re not with Ringo?”

  I sighed. “We just grew apart. Irreconcilable differences, you know.” If celebrities got away with that excuse for a breakup, so could I. “I moved into the dorms.”

  “That’s too bad. Do you need money, dear?” He tried to calm his messy hair, using his screen as a mirror.

  “Dad, I can see you,” I reminded him. “No, I’m good.” He already sent me 600 euros a month, and along with the money I earned as a student assistant, I was making ends meet. Besides, I was determined to pay him back every cent after graduation. “So, what’s your news?”

  “Oh, right.” He fussed with the monitor. “Georgia State extended my contract for another two years.”

  “What?” I pursed my lips. “But I thought you were moving back to Munich so we could see each other more often.”

  “I know, sweetheart, but they offered me this wonderful job, and the two years will just fly by. I don’t want to let my colleague down. She’s counting on me. She’s a really nice woman, and I owe her a lot.”

  Was this woman more important to him than me? His own daughter? I was living here all alone, but he didn’t seem to care one bit. But now wasn’t the time for this discussion. It could wait until the summer. “Let’s talk about it when I get to Atlanta. It sucks to do this over Skype.”

  “You’re right. Just wanted to give you a heads up.”

  I looked at the time. “Hey, I need to study. Can we Skype again next week?”

  “Sure, honey. I’ll let you go. Oh, Aunt Hertha called. She broke her leg and can’t go visit your mother’s grave for the next few weeks. Would you mind going there and taking some flowers?”

  I gulped. I hadn’t been back home since moving to Erlangen, which also meant I hadn’t been to visit my mother’s grave all that time. Even though I felt bad about it, I couldn’t take the risk of running into the person I wanted to avoid. Just the thought of seeing him made my stomach churn. I quickly shook off the feeling.

  “I’ll see what I can do,” I said weakly, knowing there was no way I could do him this favor.

  “Thanks. Bye!” He blew me a kiss through the screen.

  “Bye, Dad,” I replied and closed the browser window. It felt like I’d just lost another parent.

  12

  The next morning, I was standing in the kitchen, washing my breakfast dishes and thinking nothing evil when Ben’s door opened with a soft jingling sound, as if he had Santa’s sleigh in there. The hunter then appeared in the hallway with his prey, an admittedly very attractive girl with short dark hair. Ellen was right. I paused in the middle of what I was doing to watch them until Ben glanced in my direction and caught me in the act.

  I hastily scrubbed the crumbs from my plate, but kept glancing in their direction. The high-pitched ringing sounded every time his overnight guest moved. What the hell was that?

  The two stood facing each other. The doe gazed longingly at her huntsman. Apparently, she was quite content with what had transpired between them, which, frankly, was a mystery to me. Men like Ben were usually more concerned with their own gratification in bed than with their partner’s. My hands suddenly came to a stop as I was too busy observing how this scene was playing itself out. How would Ben get rid of his one-night stand? Would he just kick her out the door with some lame excuse? That possibility seemed the most obvious to me.

  He stood close to her and put both hands on her upper arms, as she looked up at him, smiling. A tender gesture, I had to give him that, even from my distance. The pretty girl was totally into him, I could even see that from where I was standing. Slowly, he bent forward and—I held my breath—kissed her on the forehead.

  “I enjoyed that. Are you sure you don’t want me to drive you home?”

  She slipped her arms around his waist.

  “Me, too. No, that’s alright, I’ll walk. I don’t live far.” She lowered her eyes, and his hands slipped down her arms. He rubbed the back of his neck. “Okay, then…”

  The doe looked back up. “Will I see you a
gain? I mean, we could talk on the phone or something.”

  Grabbing a dish towel to cover up my eavesdropping, I was waiting almost as eagerly for his answer as she was. Only, Ellen had given me background information that the poor girl didn’t know about.

  “Listen…” he began, then broke off. To my surprise, he seemed thoughtful. Shouldn’t he be a pro by now, armed with a number of ready-made excuses for any given situation?

  “Like I told you yesterday, this was just a one-time thing.”

  Wow. He really had been honest and upfront? I had to admit that he was showing more spine than I’d given him credit for.

  “I know, I know. I just thought that since we both had such a good time and all,” the doe persisted.

  Now what was he going to do? Suddenly, Ben glanced to the side and caught me drinking in the scene. And yes, his eye-rolling was meant for me, but I was immune to this by now. I gave him a broad smile, and he turned back to the girl.

  “I enjoyed myself, too, but I want to be honest with you. I’m not the relationship type.”

  She sighed. “That’s too bad. Well, take care.”

  “You, too.”

  Ben had a hand on the doorknob when Bambi rose up on her tiptoes, trying to kiss him goodbye on the mouth. At the last moment, Ben turned away, and her lips merely brushed against his cheek.

  Wow!

  So, it was true. Ben didn’t kiss women on the mouth. Mine, on the other hand, hung open. The woman paused before disappearing through the open door, accompanied by that strange tiny jingling. All of a sudden, I was extremely busy drying and polishing my coffee cup. Despite my busyness, I noticed Ben coming closer. When I dared to look to the side, he was leaning in the door frame, watching me expressionlessly. I faked a pleased smile. “Good morning. Sleep well?” I chirped, as if we were the best of friends.

  “Very well indeed.” He bent one arm behind his head, tightening his muscles. He was such a poser! “You could’ve been a little less obvious.”

  I looked at him in mock confusion. “What are you talking about?” I couldn’t bite back a grin though. Was he actually embarrassed by this heart-touching goodbye scene? I couldn’t be that lucky.

  “Forget it.” He stepped out of the doorframe and walked over to the refrigerator while I pretended to clean the sink. After pulling something out of it and grabbing Toby’s bread bag, he sat down at the table with a cup of coffee. I heard him slice open a roll, probably scattering a million crumbs all over the place. I sighed—he was such an ignorant jerk. When I turned around, I caught Ben generously spreading my butter on his fucking wheat roll.

  “What are you doing?” I yelled, snatching up my butter. “This is my butter!”

  He put the knife down.

  “Jeez. You really are a Scrooge.”

  “That’s not what I meant.”

  “What is it then?” He didn’t seem to have a clue what I was talking about.

  “Are you really so dense?” I slammed the butter on the table. “I’ve explained this to you guys over and over again. You contaminated the whole thing with your stupid bread crumbs!” I gestured at the crumb-encrusted knife marks in the golden yellow mass.

  “Just scrape it off!” He took a sip of coffee and clearly didn’t get what I was talking about.

  “I can’t scrape it off because I might miss some, and even the slightest bit could make me sick.”

  He looked up. “You wanna know what I think?”

  “What?” I replied, eyes narrowing.

  “I think you have ADD.”

  Unrestrained laughter gushed across my lips as I pointed at the front door where I had just been entertained by that romantic farewell scene. “And you don’t?”

  While Ben ignored me and generously smeared chocolate hazelnut spread on his roll instead, my lips moved on their own. “She jingled like the closing bell at the New York Stock Exchange!”

  To my dismay, an amused laugh burst out of him. “She’s wearing love balls. Never heard of them? I inserted them earlier.” He stared at me intently as I felt my cheeks start to flush.

  “You’re a real pervert,” I threw at him after laboriously pulling myself together again.

  He shrugged. “What’s so perverted about that? It’s a toy, that’s all. A little something different in bed. You’re uptight, that’s all.”

  “It’s sad that you need sex so badly and have to take stupid toys to bed to get it.” I shook my head. I didn’t really want to have this conversation.

  He leaned back. “Says the girl who buys handcuffs at a sex shop.” His smile turned malicious.

  Fuck! I had forgotten he had witnessed my story in the housing office. “That was different,” I snarled. What was I supposed to say? He’d never believe that every word I had said back there was made up.

  “Sure.” He took a bite of his roll. “I bet you’ve never had an orgasm in your life.”

  I gasped. “I don’t think my sex life is any of your business.”

  He raised an eyebrow. “Oh, you have one! I thought...”

  “Shut. The hell. Up,” I growled with clenched teeth. “You really think you’re so irresistible, don’t you?”

  “I can bring any woman to orgasm. So, if you ever want to have one, you can always come to me. A little friendly service between roommates.”

  I wanted to punch that smug grin off his face. How could a single person be so full of themselves? His confidence was enough for ten average people.

  “You’d do better worrying about your jingle bell girls.” I couldn’t believe this woman had let him… I didn’t want to pursue that thought, but the image appeared before me like on a movie screen. Oh, my God. If he had really done that, he had seen all of her... All the way in. I swallowed. Ringo and I had never had our heads any further than our belly buttons, and quite apart from that, we’d never really examined each other below the waist either.

  Ben suddenly got up and stepped close to me. I swallowed again. What was going on now?

  “You’re imagining it now, aren’t you?” he whispered hoarsely as he moved closer. His warm breath grazed my cheek and sent a shiver down my spine. I shook my head hastily.

  “Yes, you are. You’re imagining yourself lying naked on my bed, me spreading your legs and kneeling between them, and slowly pushing these two balls inside, one by one. Do you want to try it? I have some more in my room.”

  Startled, I took a step back, my breath quickening, unable to hold his gaze. But Ben just sat back down on his chair. He took a hearty bite of his roll and chuckled softly. “She didn’t have any love balls. It was just her jingly New Age ankle bracelet.”

  “You’re such an asshole!” I slapped him on the shoulder, and his evil laugh grew louder.

  “But you imagined it, admit it.”

  “No, I didn’t.” The dish towel fell out of my hands, I leaned over to pick it up, and tied my shoe at the same time. When I straightened up, I caught Ben staring at me with a smile. At the same moment, I realized I was wearing my black shirt with the cowl neckline today, which revealed more of my ample bust than usual, and in a flash, it was clear—

  Ben Nowak had been staring down my shirt.

  “You miserable creep!” I snapped at him, but he only raised his hands.

  “I didn’t mean to, but you just presented yourself to me. What was I supposed to do?”

  At least I was wearing a bra, so luckily, he hadn’t seen everything.

  “I must say, they are really beautiful,” he commented, as if I valued his opinion. I could totally do without that kind of compliment. Especially if it came out of his mouth.

  “Just shut up, okay.”

  “Are those real, or did you have some help?”

  “Do you really think I’d go through surgery for these?” Sometimes, men just sucked.

  “So, they’re real, that’s good. I don’t like those silicone ones. They look nice, but feel like hard balloons. I like them soft.”

  “You’ll certainly never touch mi
ne,” I forewarned him, before making a theatrical exit. Ben really was the worst. The absolute worst!

  His amused shout followed me, “Loosen up a little, will ya?”

  13

  Two weeks later, I met up with Caro. Martha wasn’t around as much anymore, and Caro was feeling desperate. None of the discussions, threats, or tears were having any effect. Martha wanted more space, and Caro reluctantly agreed to take things slowly, so as not to lose her completely. Which was why I was with her now. I had spent the night, comforting and cheering her up. We were now strolling across Nuremberg’s main market square, up towards the shopping mile to numb her sorrow a little with some retail therapy.

  “I really don’t know what’s going on with Martha,” Caro said for what felt like the two hundred and ninety-ninth time. I then realized what I had done to Caro when I had vented so much about Ringo. Still, I felt sorry for her. I knew from my own experience how horrible it was when your feelings were no longer reciprocated.

  “She’ll probably come around soon,” I repeated, also for the two hundred and ninety-ninth time. “She won’t find anyone better than you anyway.”

  “You’re the best.” Caro smiled with effort. “I just don’t get it. She keeps coming up with stupid excuses. She needs to work out for her dumb bodybuilding competition, or help out at Anita’s new bar. It’s always something, she’s always busy… or maybe she’s secretly seeing Sarah again behind my back.”

  “Things’ll smooth out, you’ll see,” I tried again. “Sarah is ancient history. But you know what? You should go out by yourself and have some fun – without Martha. Maybe she’ll hear about it and be super jealous.”

  Caro stopped and lifted her foot. Disgusted, she looked at a piece of gum stuck to the sole of her shoe. “Yuck!” She scraped her foot across the cobblestones. “It’s not even that, really.”